Of Impostors And Fairies
by sxcond
Summary: In which Sirius sends the Marauders fairy porn.


Chaser 1

Falmouth Falcons - Marauders Box

Overall prompt (Scenario): Sirius pulls a prank on his friends, which has them divided (you decide who pairs with who)

Chaser Prompts (These are underlined):

2\. (word) Demure

3\. (word) Labyrinthine

4\. (style) Letter!fic

.

.

.

* * *

 **1974**

* * *

(Letter did not reach recipient.)

….

James,

I don't know if this'll reach you or if Mother will intercept it first, but I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to write to you for a week because I got my owling rights revoked.

(Sorry if you can't read this letter, I was rushing to finish it before Mother locks up Hercules.)

(̶P̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶R̶e̶g̶g̶i̶e̶.̶ ̶H̶e̶'̶d̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶b̶a̶b̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶t̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶n̶e̶a̶t̶l̶y̶.̶ ̶W̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶f̶e̶c̶t̶,̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶a̶n̶d̶w̶r̶i̶t̶i̶n̶g̶.̶)̶

From: Sirius

* * *

Dear Sirius,

James is pretty mad at you, m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶a̶p̶o̶l̶o̶g̶ ̶ but the prank you pulled was bloody brilliant! Can't believe how those poofs even got into those positions. How did you buy the gay porn anyway? Your parents would have had an apoplexy if they saw you with it. Mrs Black, especially.

Remus seems okay with the whole prank, though. He said he was glad his dad hadn't seen it; didn't want to disappoint his father any further with a son who was not only a werewolf but a fairy. Er—don't tell anyone I said this, but I think Remus could be one, though. He's got that lean, demure, almost dainty look —not that I look at him—I mean I do look at him but—nevermind—that makes him look a little girly. With his weirdly small frame, I don't think anyone thought he could turn into a really muscled werewolf.

To be honest, I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that Moony's a werewolf; a̶r̶e̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶f̶r̶a̶i̶d̶ he looks so innocent b̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶o̶n̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ and bookish. Did you know that werewolves are XXXXX rated dark creatures? That means that Moony could slaughter us in an instant. Or worse—send us to to the Hospital Wing. (I think Madam Pomfrey gives us the fouler tasting potions on purpose. Might have been the prank we pulled on Snape; she likes the greasy git for some reason.)

Then again, Remus is a Gryffindor, so I guess he can't be that bad.… Plus, he's our friend.

What do you think, Sirius? You're really smart, so your judgement of him is probably right.

Conflicted,

Peter.

* * *

 _Dear Sirius,_

 _I'm afraid I'm going to have to have a talk with you soon, son._

 _Feeling very disappointed_ a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶n̶g̶r̶y̶,̶

— _Fleamont Potter_

* * *

Dear Sirius,

I'll have you know that I am rather disappointed in your actions. Why did you do it? Why send such vile, M̶u̶g̶g̶l̶e̶ pornography into our home? Mrs and Mr Black may have let you run wild, but we hold you to higher standards than these juvenile pranks.

When James brought you to our home two years ago, I was pleased with how well you'd influenced him. I must confess, we had spoiled him far too much when he was younger, and as a result, he has grown too arrogant and proud. But when he returned that Christmas with you, Flea and I were ecstatic that he had matured into a friendlier and less temperamental young man.

So glad were we of James' new mindset that we were willing to overlook your manners. We were willing to turn a blind eye to the savage pranks you egged James to do on poor Severus; we were willing to forgive your unhealthy, M̶u̶g̶g̶l̶e̶ habits; we were willing to look past your darker, Black roots.

That was a mistake on our part.

D̶o̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶e̶m̶p̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶r̶r̶u̶p̶t̶ ̶J̶a̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶f̶u̶r̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.̶

D̶o̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶e̶m̶p̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶a̶c̶t̶ ̶J̶a̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶f̶u̶r̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.̶

But we are n̶o̶t̶ ̶ _willing to forgive you._

 _Yours_ o̶h̶,̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶,̶ ̶F̶l̶e̶a̶!̶ ̶sincerely,

Mrs Euphemia Potter.

* * *

D̶e̶a̶r̶ Sirius,

Seriously, what the hell were you thinking? Don't. Just, no, the joke went stale when we were firsties. Did you think about how I felt when your bundle of gay porn bloody exploded? Did you use your brain for once and think 'oh maybe James wouldn't like it when his parents bloody enter his room and see him HOLDING A STACK OF PICTURES DEPICTING MALES FORNICATING?!'

You prat, next time you pull a prank think of the consequences! Didn't the incident with Snape last semester teach you a bloody thing? If I hadn't rescued him in time, you would have thrown both you and Remus, who was innocent, into Azkaban for murder! All to one-up Snape, for once. Could you be anymore moronic?

And the gay porn—you should be glad my mom and dad know of my crush on Lily and accepted my explanation. If my parents ever continued that awkward conversation questioning my sexuality and manly pride I would have avada-ed you, you twat.

This time you went too far.

Not talking to you,

—James Potter.

* * *

(In pretty, cursive letters.)

….

 _Potter,_

 _Don't blame Sirius._

 _Best regards,_

 _RAB_

* * *

D̶e̶a̶r̶ Sirius,

Hello, how have you been?

My summer holidays have been going fine. Except for the part where I received a parcel. It exploded to reveal male on male pornography drifting to the ground like snowflakes. Fortunately, I cast _evanesco_ on them before my dad would get the worst shock of his life.

Unfortunately, I truly feel like casting _evanesco_ on you too. Honestly, Sirius, your mind is positively  labyrinthine. I have no idea what you're thinking and what to do with you. All I want to say is that I truly hope you grow up before someone gets hurt.

P.S. James has been ranting to me about your stupidity for the last Merlin-knows-how-many letters. I have to say, I agree with him.

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

* * *

(In pretty, cursive letters.)

….

 _Peter,_

 _Thank you for your support. I knew I could rely on you, unlike the others who are fickle-hearted at best. Traitors, the lot of them. Mate._

 _Best regards,_

 _Sirius_

* * *

James,

Sorry, I was grounded, and Hercules and all the mail I received—you did send mail right?—was confiscated by my dearest mother because Regulus found my stash of gay porn.

Oh, right! I'm bisexual. (Yeah I checked the dictionary for this word.)

From: Sirius

* * *

Remus,

Sorry, I was grounded, and Hercules and all the mail I received—you did send mail right?—was confiscated by my dearest mother because Regulus found my stash of gay porn.

Oh, right! I'm bisexual. (To answer your unspoken—or rather, unwritten—question, Remus: so what if I checked the dictionary for this word?)

From: Sirius

* * *

Peter,

Sorry, I was grounded, and Hercules and all the mail I received—you did send mail right?—was confiscated by my dearest mother because Regulus found my stash of gay porn.

Oh, right! I'm bisexual. (Yeah I checked the dictionary for this word.)

From: Sirius

* * *

Sirius,

Wait, if YOU were grounded, then who sent me the fairy porn?

P.S. Ha! I knew it, you were always staring at Fabian Prewett's arse. 'Admiring his robes'—blimey, even a Hufflepuff could come up with a better excuse.

P.P.S. Do you know a person named RAB? He sent me a letter telling me not to blame you. Maybe he or she could be the culprit.

Feeling confunded,

James.

* * *

Sirius,

I think something's wrong…. I think you have an imposter, and the imposter is the one who sent us the weird stuff and that letter to me. Do you think it's the greasy git? How does he know our addresses, though? Maybe he stalked us.

Well that's okay, mate—as long as you don't make me join you in rating male arses. Wait, does this mean you fancy us?

Y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ ̶ Sincerely,

Peter.

* * *

Dear Sirius,

I think Regulus split up your stack of gay porn and sent it to us under your name in revenge. For defiling his innocence, perhaps. Somehow, I don't blame him.

P.S. My instincts tells me that you send us the same letters with only the names changed.

P.P.S. Thank you for trusting me, Sirius. I promise my silence regarding your sexuality.

Disappointed in you for corrupting poor Regulus but proud of your trust in us,

Remus Lupin

* * *

Remus

Azkaban be damned, I'm going to wring that little brat's neck. _O̶h̶,̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶?̶_

(Yep, I did write the exact same letters! Well, almost the same. What can I say, I'm a lazy bastard.)

(...Thanks, mate.)

From: Sirius.

* * *

Dear Mrs and Mr Potts,

My profound apologies for my dear little brother's actions. He was the one who sent James the pornography in revenge for a prank I pulled on him.

I just want you to know that James is one of my best friends and I would never, ever send him anything so debase.

Very, very sorry,

Sirius Black.

* * *

 _Dear Sirius,_

 _It's not your fault, son._

— _Fleamont Potter_

* * *

Dear Sirius,

It's s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ alright.

 _H̶o̶n̶e̶s̶t̶l̶y̶,̶ ̶E̶u̶p̶h̶e̶m̶i̶a̶,̶ ̶g̶r̶u̶d̶g̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶u̶r̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶i̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶.̶_

 _F̶i̶n̶e̶,̶ ̶F̶l̶e̶a̶.̶ ̶I̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶e̶.̶_

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Euphemia Potter.

* * *

Reggie,

Thanks for taking the blame for the prank. I don't know what I was thinking. I was being an utter berk when I snuck Hercules out to send pull the gay porn prank on the Marauders.

(Did your plan to get me off the hook have to be so convoluted, though? And did I really have to pretend to be gay?)

From: Sirius

* * *

 _Sirius,_

 _Don't mistake my deed for kindness. I was only paying back the debt I owed for the time you avenged me when Malfoy cursed me._

 _W̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶M̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶e̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶?̶ ̶I̶ ̶n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶m̶a̶g̶i̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶M̶a̶l̶f̶o̶y̶ ̶s̶y̶c̶o̶p̶h̶a̶n̶t̶.̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶,̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶s̶i̶m̶p̶l̶y̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶e̶n̶s̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶C̶i̶s̶s̶y̶'̶s̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶c̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶m̶a̶r̶r̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶a̶l̶f̶o̶y̶ ̶f̶a̶m̶i̶l̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶.̶ ̶T̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶p̶o̶s̶s̶i̶b̶l̶e̶.̶ ̶S̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶a̶t̶i̶v̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶p̶u̶n̶i̶s̶h̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶h̶o̶s̶p̶i̶t̶a̶l̶i̶z̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶M̶a̶l̶f̶o̶y̶,̶ ̶a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶s̶a̶t̶i̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶a̶l̶f̶o̶y̶s̶'̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶o̶d̶.̶_

 _My plan was not convoluted. Your mind is merely incapable of appreciating its subtle ingenuity. The first RAB letter hinted to Potter that something was afoot. The second letter to Peter inserted suspicion into his mind as to who the real sender was. Your friends are incredible loudmouths so they would have shared the letters they received with each other, and Lupin, if he is as brilliant as they say, would have begun cracking the identity of RAB. Your following letters containing false information of myself 'discovering' your gay porn stash would have provided a motive to Remus and a suspect for the identity of who actually sent the porn. With a motive and myself as suspect, he matched my name and its initials to the mysterious 'RAB'; thus solving the the mystery of RAB's true identity. Hence, he would have assumed that I, RAB, was the one who pulled the prank, absolving you of all guilt._

 _Yes, you did have to pretend to be a homosexual._

 _Post Scriptum: Were you really admiring Prewett's robes?_

 _Best regards,_

 _Regulus_

* * *

Reggie,

Wow. I never knew you enjoyed monologuing.

(Yes. His robes were custom-made by Twilfitt and Tattings.)

From: Sirius

* * *

 **1975**

* * *

Sirius,

Happy fifteenth birthday!

P.S. I hope you appreciate the trouble I went to in order to buy all this fairy porn from Mundungus Fletcher. That, and the loss in dignity.

P.P.S. If I help you snag Fabian will you help me in my next valiant plan to win Fair Lily's heart?

Yours sincerely,

—James.

* * *

 _Fin._


End file.
